Happy New Year everyone! I hope your 2011 was a year of wonderful blessings and new opportunities. Hopefully you took advantage of each and every one. If the year didn’t go as planned, don’t fret. You have a whole new year ahead of you.
Of course it’s healthy to look back over the past 365 days and think about what you did that worked for you and what sucked the life you might have done differently. I took a class once from Margie Lawson: Defeat Self-Defeating Behaviors. Through the class I learned what was holding me back and limiting my growth. I learned to make short and long term goals. I learned to envision my future and work toward it in a productive manner. (Note to my writing friends: This on-line class is starting today and only $30. A bargain for all the helpful advice you receive.)
Pic by Ed Donahue at flickr
When it comes to putting the past behind some of you parents though, you might need to seek professional help one on one. Some of you have had a more difficult time dealing with the ex and have had some pretty bad experiences. I understand that. There is nothing shameful about seeking help from a counselor/therapist or other professional. If it helps you — it helps your child. And that’s the important thing, right?
Starting in 2012, why not make it a goal to co-parent more effectively. Less fighting. Less stress. Less putting the children in the middle. Yes, I know you’re thinking, “But she (he) won’t <fill in the blank>.” You and I both know you can’t control the other person or make them do anything. You can; however, control what you do and how you respond to the other person. If you make changes, chances are it will improve the way the other person acts as well. Even if he/she continues to be a horse’s butt behave in a spiteful manner, your child will experience less animosity and negativity when you refuse to participate in the same old harmful routines from the past.
It’s easy to get caught up in the pushing of buttons from the end of your relationship. After all, you know each other intimately and you know just what to say or do to set the other one off. You’ve gotten use to responding in a certain way. Ways that are probably not in your (or your child’s) best interests. It takes a deep commitment and concentration to move up and out of these ruts. But it can be done. You just have to wait before you respond. Think about how you would normally react and then find a better option. Choose not to get upset. Choose to let the anger go. Choose to ignore any insult. Choose to respond in a positive manner. Hard? Absolutely. But you and your child are both worth it.
The past is just that. The past. It can’t be undone. It can’t be changed. But you have today and you have the future. Do you want more of the same fighting, stress, and hurt in 2012? Or do you want to do your part to make things easier on your child? Once you stop re-acting in the same old ways and start finding positive ways to co-parent, you’ll find that you are a much happier person regardless of how your ex responds. Of course if you both make positive changes, think how wonderful it will be for all of you!
I hope you all have a happy, healthy and successful 2012! Here’s to active and healthy co-parenting!
Do you have plans to make co-parenting better this year? Have you and your ex made improvements over the past year? If so, share your secrets with us!
*NOTE: Here’s my typical disclaimer for these posts–I am not an attorney. These opinions are mine alone and are based on my years of experience working within the family court system. They are not meant as legal advice nor as representative of anyone else’s opinion. If you need legal advice (and I believe if you’re involved in child custody litigation, you really do), please consult with an attorney.
Basically co-parenting boils down to “cooperative parenting” or parenting together. It is a firmly held belief with professionals that children fare better when parents can minimize any trauma during and after their divorce and can communicate, cooperate, and compromise with consistency.
I realize not everyone ends their relationship amicably. It would be great for them and their children if that were possible, but unfortunately, it isn’t always. Co-parenting is even more difficult when a marriage ends with hostility. However, it is extremely important for your children that any animosity be put aside. You have to put your children’s needs and best interests ahead of your own hurt feelings, anger and bitterness.
How do you do this? Respect. You may not like the other parent very much at this time and may even be imagining all sorts of dastardly endings for him or her (hey…no one said you can’t imagine, just don’t do!), but this person is still a parent to your child. And your child loves them every bit as much as they love you. Right? Of course they do.
Because of that fact alone, you each deserve respect from the other. You each owe the other respect as the other half of a parenting team. If you can remember this is about your children and not what he or she did or didn’t do during your relationship, you will triumph. And most importantly your children will suffer the least amount of emotional harm.
Here are some ways to show your ex some respect and minimize stress in co-parenting:
Provide the other parent with any important information about your child: doctor appointments, medical issues, medications, school issues, report cards, emotional issues, etc.
Give the other parent enough time to make arrangements to attend appointments or events: doctor, parent-teacher, school programs, sports, dance or other extracurricular activities.
Make them a part of any major decisions. Give them all pertinent information. Get their input. Try to come up with a solution that you both can live with and that is best for your child.
Be flexible. Allow the other parent to have time not designated in the court order for special events. Switch access periods when asked if it won’t interfere with something you have planned. Allow for the unexpected or the special times. Remember: it’s not about you. It’s about your children.
When calling or emailing, focus on your child. Do not bring up past events. They are in the past and need to stay there. Rehashing them will do nothing but cause friction and more problems.
When at appointments or events, speak politely with your ex and any person(s) with them. Do not ignore them. Do not instruct your child to ignore them. In short, be respectful.
I know in some cases this will be very difficult. But I truly believe the more you practice this, the easier it will become for both parties. You may even find that you’re imagining less pain-filled scenarios.
For those of you that have been through this, what ways have you found to cope? What are some of your co-parenting suggestions? Do you find that by showing respect, you’re respected more in return?
*NOTE: Here’s my typical disclaimer for these posts–I am not an attorney. These opinions are mine alone and are based on my years of experience working within the family court system. They are not meant as legal advice nor as representative of anyone else’s opinion. If you need legal advice (and I believe if you’re involved in child custody litigation, you really do), please consult with an attorney.
A friend reported over-hearing a conversation between a mother and child recently. The mother was telling the child to tell her father things that basically the mother should have been discussing with him. And the child was telling the mom how the father wouldn’t listen to her as “that’s not what’s in the court papers”.
I’d like to be able to say this hardly ever happens. But I can’t. During the past 20 years, I’ve often heard similar conversations myself or more tragically — children’s versions of these conversations.
This is probably the second “wish” kids have who have parents involved in custody litigation. When I asked kids what they would wish for if they could have anything they want, the number one answer: I wish my mom and dad would stop fighting. The second: I wish my parents would stop telling me to tell the other one stuff. Why can’t they talk to each other? (NOTE: Kids who were not involved in the fighting between the parents — well, they would wish for toys, animals, etc. Normal kid stuff.)
I don’t care if you can’t stand the sight of your ex (or soon to be ex) you should NEVER put your child in the middle by asking them to do YOUR job as a parent. I imagine this makes them feel like they are in a big swirling vortex of water with no way to escape the rocks.
Image by shandchem on flickr
Here’s how a typical dialogue goes:
Parent #1: Tell your mom(dad) I’m picking you up next Friday at noon for our trip to (pick a state) and we won’t be back until Monday sometime.
Child: Mom (Dad) already said I couldn’t go on the trip because it’s not your weekend.
Parent #1: I don’t care what she (he) said. We’re going and you’re going with us. Just tell her (him) to have you ready.
Child: Dad (Mom) said to tell you…
Parent #2: You tell your Dad (Mom) if he/she has something to tell me, he/she can call me him(her)self.
Child: Please. Just listen. He (She) is going to pick me up at noon on Friday…
Parent #2: Oh no he’s (she’s) not! I’ve already told you to tell him (her) that’s not his (her) weekend. The court papers say it’s my weekend and …
You get the idea. Now what are the problems with this scenario?
1. The child is completely caught in the crossfire between the parents. There are no good options for him and both parents end up getting angry — or at least appearing angry — at the kid, taking their frustrations out on him.
2. The parents are each behaving in a negative manner toward the other with the child a center-piece to their animosity.
3. The child should never have even known about the trip/plans or whatever event prior to the parents discussing it and agreeing on the child’s involvement if not that first parent’s access period. This only leads to disappointment for the child if he can’t go. Maybe the other parent already has something planned because it was his/her weekend and it really is not convenient. Or, maybe they’re just being a first-class you know what. But, the child shouldn’t be involved in this.
If you think you’ll make the other parent look bad and gain credits in your column, you’re making a HUGE mistake. Do this often enough and the child will see through the manipulation and end up despising that behavior in you because of the misery it causes. Besides that…why should either of you have a column? Why keep score? If you want to measure something, why not measure how much happier your child is when not involved in your parental conflict?
4. Did you see the irony in the above situation? Parent #2 is telling the child if the other parent has something to say he or she should talk to them directly. However, in the same breath, they’re telling the child to pass along this message to the other parent. Again — a no win situation for the child.
Image by Darrell J Rohl on flickr
5. The child should know you each love him. You each want to spend time with him. He should not need to know there are “court papers” that have to tell you how to do so. Most orders will say something similar to: “In the event the parents are unable to mutually agree, then…” Usually parents are allowed to change periods of access if they “mutually” agree. You probably (check yours) don’t have to be stuck with what is outlined in your court order. If you throw “that’s not what’s in the court papers” in your child’s face all the time, what will they think about you when they find out — and they will — that you had options all along?
6. You are the PARENTS! If something needs to be discussed, it should be discussed between the two of you. Not through the child. That is one of your parental jobs: communicating with each other. Even if you don’t like them. Even if they’re the biggest a-hole on the planet.
I know some of you will say that you just can’t talk to the other person. Or, they’ll be belligerent with you. Or, whatever excuse you have. Seriously. I don’t care. Nor, in most cases, do the family courts. And if you’re doing this to your child, it will not bode well for you during any custody litigation. What the courts and caseworkers look for is what is in the best interests of the child. Using them as your messenger is not.
If you don’t like conversing with the other parent about certain topics or you know it’s going to cause a ruckus…why on earth would you delegate that to your child knowing how the other will respond? As a good parent, you should want to protect your child from scenes like that. Right? As a good parent, you don’t put your comfort before your child’s. Right? If you’re making them the go-between, YOU ARE NOT BEING A GOOD PARENT, even though you may excel in other areas of parenting. If you want to score something, this will give you an “F”, a HUGE FAIL, in parental conduct.
You must find a way to communicate effectively with each other without a lot of arguing, name-calling and other forms of belittling. I’ll be discussing some ways to do this in future blog posts.
Before I end this post though, I want to point out that there are some (very few) legitimate exceptions to one-on-one parental communicating. If you have a protective order prohibiting you from communication, then don’t. If there was domestic violence (best to be able to prove this though) in the past and the possibility of future violence, then you need to protect yourself — without question.
However, you will need to find alternative means of communicating with the ex. For instance, you can go through your attorney. But, unless you have substantial resources this can get costly. You may want to have your attorneys come up with someone who can communicate on your behalf with the other person or with their proxy. This person(s) should be someone who is not easily angered and can be respectful to the other party. Their job is not to make decisions for you, but to be a stand-in for you in passing along information between you and the other parent.
Grandparents sometimes make good alternates. Sometimes not. It depends on whether they can control any negative feelings they may have and put them aside during the transfer of information.
I’ve seen current spouses or significant others of each parent work well together or with the ex. However, these are few and far between.
You can choose a friend, pastor, family member, etc. But, whoever you (and possibly your ex) choose, needs to be an adult, act like an adult and eliminate problems rather than contribute to them.
Please share your thoughts in the comment section on this subject. What ways have you found to commune with an ex that has lessened the animosity and did not include using your children? Have your children been placed in the middle like this by your ex? How did it affect them?
Please be respectful in your posts. This is not an opportunity to air grievances. It is an opportunity to help others learn from previous mistakes so maybe their children won’t have to be shanghaied into a parental tug of war.
I wish you all easy and trouble-free communications with your ex and much less stress on your kids.
*NOTE: Here’s my typical disclaimer for these posts–I am not an attorney. These opinions are mine alone and are based on my years of experience working within the family court system. They are not meant as legal advice nor as representative of anyone else’s opinion. If you need legal advice (and I believe if you’re involved in child custody litigation, you really do), please consult with an attorney.
