It’s summer. The glory days of youth. Most kids are out of school at least part of the season and they’ll be ready to spend time with both parents. Have you read your divorce/custody decree about who’s supposed to have your child and when during this time?
No? You may want to. Go on, get it out. I’ll wait.
<Whistling – albeit not very well and scaring my cat>
Back? Okay, let’s see what it says.
In most instances, you’re going to see that the parent who does not have primary custody should have a good chunk of the summer. Read the details carefully.
If you’re the non-primary parent, you may be able to choose when you want the child, but you probably have to give notice (usually in writing) in advance. The amount of notice may differ depending on your order. If you don’t give notice, then you probably have a certain time period that automatically kicks in. (Take note of the mays and the probablys. Each court order is different, so make sure you know what yours says. If you have any doubt about the legal-eze speak, ask your attorney.)
You need to be prepared to have your child during that time period and you’ll need to make arrangements for child care (if applicable) while you work. If you live close enough, it may be best that your child continue in the child care program he or she is already familiar with as the less upheaval for your child the better.
What if you forgot to give notice that you want a different time? Is it okay to ask for it? Of course it is – usually.* In most instances, as long as both parties agree, you can change things up to suit yourselves. However, if the other party has made plans already based on you not giving notice, don’t argue about it. You goofed and you’ll know better next year.
So what if your child’s other parent didn’t meet the deadline for notice, but now wants to have your son and/or daughter at a different time for a family vacation? If you don’t have plans, then why not let them have it?
“But they didn’t do what they were supposed to!” Stomps foot.
Ummm…yeah. We’re all human and make mistakes. I’ve seen people not budge from their stance (with no real reason or other plans) just because the other parent missed a deadline by a day. What the heck? These people were more concerned about control and “getting to” the other parent than they were in what was best for their children.
Why drag out the drama or deprive your child of something fun to do? If you made plans already, then don’t sweat it. Just try to work out something amicable that will keep the arguing to a minimum.
Help your kids make great conflict-free memories this summer! Image by korycheer at morguefile.com
If you’re the primary parent, you may have options to have your child for a weekend or two during this portion of time he or she is with their other parent. But you may also be required to give notice in writing by a certain time, so be aware of the particulars of your court order.
Enjoy your children this summer and allow them to have peace and a pleasant time with both of you without a lot of fuss. After all – what memories do you want your child to have for the summer? Mom and dad fighting? Again. Or do you want them to recall fun and laughter with both parents? Seems like a no-brainer to me.
If divorced, do you have a good working relationship with your child’s other parent? How do you keep the drama at bay and co-parent without the fuss?
* I’ve not seen one, but I suppose there could be a court order out there that prohibits changing it even when you both mutually agree. So just read your order carefully.
** My boring but necessary disclaimer for these types of posts: I am not an attorney and am not offering legal advice. I am merely giving my opinions based upon nearly 20 years working with family and children within the family court system. I hope you find it helpful. But in all matters, refer to your court order and seek advice from your attorney should you have any questions.
I haven’t really talked much about my own writing, so I want to remedy that today. Why now? Well, for one thing, I’m VERY excited about a couple of things. First of all, I have an awesome cover for my novel, ILLUSION OF SAFETY.
ILLUSION OF SAFETY is a suspense novel with romantic elements. I can’t wait to share it with you, but it’ll be a few months yet. There’s so much to learn going the indie route. But I’m excited about everything and I have wonderful friends from my WG2E Street Team (& it’s sister site, RG2E) and We Are Not Alone (Minions) Groups who are so knowledgeable and willing to help explain things to a newbie like me. I’m so grateful to them for all of their support.
Awesome group of peeps!
Secondly, I’m hard at work finishing up my non-fiction book, IN THEIR BEST INTERESTS: Don’t Tear Your Kids Apart. This book is based on my 20 years of experience working with families and children within the family court system. I’m hoping I can help parents and others involved in child custody litigation learn to co-parent more effectively and to keep their children out of the middle of their adult issues.
No cover for this one yet, but I have purchased the image that I plan to use and I have someone from another amazing and supportive group Get More Connected-Dallas-Ft Worth that is going to teach me a little Photoshop and I’m going to attempt this one myself. Thanks, Alyssa! Alyssa Truman has an online book store, USBORNE BOOKS & MORE that has fun and educational books for kids. By the way, if you’re a local owned business in the DFW area, the Get More Connected group is awesome!
You’ll be the first to know when these books are available.
I’d also like to take this opportunity to thank someone who kicked my butt and made me start living my dream. It’s not that I hadn’t written off and on since I was able to write. But I never really pursued my dream of being a published author. Why? Fear most likely. It affects us writers on so many levels.
Kay Rifkin, a friend and former co-worker, got tired of hearing me say, “I’m going to write a book someday.” She went to the trouble of getting me a continuing education catalog from a local university and highlighted the writing courses offered there before handing it to me. She told me it was time to stop talking and start doing. She was right. Thank you, Kay! {{{hugs}}}
So what do you think of my cover for ILLUSION OF SAFETY? Do you have anyone like Kay in your life that has supported your dreams and gave you a good kick in the tushy? What about other writers and supportive groups?
Happy New Year everyone! I hope your 2011 was a year of wonderful blessings and new opportunities. Hopefully you took advantage of each and every one. If the year didn’t go as planned, don’t fret. You have a whole new year ahead of you.
Of course it’s healthy to look back over the past 365 days and think about what you did that worked for you and what sucked the life you might have done differently. I took a class once from Margie Lawson: Defeat Self-Defeating Behaviors. Through the class I learned what was holding me back and limiting my growth. I learned to make short and long term goals. I learned to envision my future and work toward it in a productive manner. (Note to my writing friends: This on-line class is starting today and only $30. A bargain for all the helpful advice you receive.)
Pic by Ed Donahue at flickr
When it comes to putting the past behind some of you parents though, you might need to seek professional help one on one. Some of you have had a more difficult time dealing with the ex and have had some pretty bad experiences. I understand that. There is nothing shameful about seeking help from a counselor/therapist or other professional. If it helps you — it helps your child. And that’s the important thing, right?
Starting in 2012, why not make it a goal to co-parent more effectively. Less fighting. Less stress. Less putting the children in the middle. Yes, I know you’re thinking, “But she (he) won’t <fill in the blank>.” You and I both know you can’t control the other person or make them do anything. You can; however, control what you do and how you respond to the other person. If you make changes, chances are it will improve the way the other person acts as well. Even if he/she continues to be a horse’s butt behave in a spiteful manner, your child will experience less animosity and negativity when you refuse to participate in the same old harmful routines from the past.
It’s easy to get caught up in the pushing of buttons from the end of your relationship. After all, you know each other intimately and you know just what to say or do to set the other one off. You’ve gotten use to responding in a certain way. Ways that are probably not in your (or your child’s) best interests. It takes a deep commitment and concentration to move up and out of these ruts. But it can be done. You just have to wait before you respond. Think about how you would normally react and then find a better option. Choose not to get upset. Choose to let the anger go. Choose to ignore any insult. Choose to respond in a positive manner. Hard? Absolutely. But you and your child are both worth it.
The past is just that. The past. It can’t be undone. It can’t be changed. But you have today and you have the future. Do you want more of the same fighting, stress, and hurt in 2012? Or do you want to do your part to make things easier on your child? Once you stop re-acting in the same old ways and start finding positive ways to co-parent, you’ll find that you are a much happier person regardless of how your ex responds. Of course if you both make positive changes, think how wonderful it will be for all of you!
I hope you all have a happy, healthy and successful 2012! Here’s to active and healthy co-parenting!
Do you have plans to make co-parenting better this year? Have you and your ex made improvements over the past year? If so, share your secrets with us!
*NOTE: Here’s my typical disclaimer for these posts–I am not an attorney. These opinions are mine alone and are based on my years of experience working within the family court system. They are not meant as legal advice nor as representative of anyone else’s opinion. If you need legal advice (and I believe if you’re involved in child custody litigation, you really do), please consult with an attorney.
I’ve talked mostly about co-parenting so far. But today, I want to give you some helpful (I hope you find it helpful) information on preparing for Family Court. Let’s say you’ve been served with divorce papers. Or, you get a petition to modify custody or access (anything that might change the parent/child relationship). Or, maybe you’re the one doing the filing. That’s okay. You still have to prepare as well.
Here are some of the things you’ll need to do:
Hire an attorney.
Make a commitment to keep your child(ren) out of the middle of any arguments the two of you may have and to refrain from speaking to them about court unless absolutely necessary and then in only the most general terms.
Gather information to have in one place.
Make sure you know where the courthouse is located and any parking issues.
Now, I want to go over these in a little more detail.
Do I really need an attorney? In my opinion — yes, absolutely. If you represent yourself, you’re too emotionally involved to see the big picture. Plus in most cases, you’re going to have to know the laws of evidence and procedure in order to get your evidence admitted into court. You’ll have to file your own legal paperwork, make sure all witnesses are subpoenaed and question the witnesses yourself. If you can’t figure out how to get your evidence admitted or how to ask questions correctly, you’ve lost the fight before you’ve ever had a chance. I’ve worked within the family court system for nearly twenty years providing expert testimony and I wouldn’t want to have to do this myself. There are just so many things that you don’t know that an attorney does.
You also need to understand those legal documents the other side will be filing and know what is expected of you. There are deadlines to meet and your own documents that must be filed in a timely manner. Believe me. Unless you have experience reading legalese, those documents can get very confusing and you’ll need an attorney to translate them for you. Sometimes it doesn’t even look like English. Oh the words might be English but they’re used in such a way that you’re wondering if you’ve suddenly forgotten how to read.
Why can’t my kids know what’s going on? I’m not saying they don’t need to know about the divorce or that mommy and daddy are trying to work out the best arrangements for them. BUT they do not need to know the circumstance behind the decision to file. Do you think it really helps them to hear that “Mommy is a two-bit ’ho who was sleeping with daddy’s best friend?” Or that “Daddy is the biggest a-hole on the planet? Of course not. Remember. You’re child is half of each of you. So if mommy’s a ‘ho and daddy’s an “a-hole” then you’re telling your child that he or she is basically a rotten person as neither half of them is any good. And you and I both know that’s not true. But it’s how your child will see it and internalize it. I’ve seen it happen way too many times.
What kind of information do I need to have? I would suggest you get a notebook or a file box and put together a collection of items you might need. For me, a notebook with tabs would probably work best and be most mobile. You may work better a different way. But, basically what you’ll need to collect is anything that can help you in court, such as the following:
List of all yours and your children’s doctors for at least the last five years (more if you or your child has a chronic medical condition that may affect custody and access). You’ll need full names, addresses and phone numbers as well as what each doctor treated you or your child for.
Make a list of the same info for dentists, mental health professionals (psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors, etc).
List of medications you or your child currently take.
List with same info for any child care providers for at least the past five years.
List of all schools your child has attended. Again, full addresses and phone numbers. Teachers names and dates/grades attended. If you have documentation from the school for problems or (preferably no problems) for the past two years or so, you may want to make a tab/file with these so you’ll have them handy.
Check stubs or income tax returns for at least the past two years.
List of employers you’ve had for at least the past five years. Same info you gathered for the others.
Your addresses for at least the past five years.
If you rent, your current landlords’ contact information.
A list of why you think you should have primary custody (if you really think you should). Try to make this list up without mentioning the other party’s faults. Base it solely on yourself.
A list of reasons you think the other party should not have primary. Try to be as specific as possible. Generalities really don’t help your case much. If you have documentation of any kind that will help prove your case (letters from CPS, police reports, emails from teachers, medical/hospital records, phone records, etc.) put them in this file or behind this tab. Or if there are a lot you may want to make a tab/folder for each different type of documentation.
You’ll probably want to keep a copy of all legal documents and orders in one place where you have easy access to them.
This list is not in order of importance. Nor is it a complete list of what might be important to your attorney, or what you might need while going through a social study or while you’re in court. Add whatever else you or your attorney thinks important.
Why should I bother finding out in advance where the courthouse is? I have gps. I’m sure many of you do. However, I’ve been lead astray by my gps before. Ended up in Deliverance country. NOT a good feeling. However, timeliness in court is very very, (did I say very?) important. If you’re late enough, the judge may think you’re not coming and the other party could get a default order. This basically means they get whatever they asked for. And if they asked for you to have supervised access only (or even none at all) then you’re stuck with that until you can get another hearing date and argue to have that changed.
If at all possible go during the week about the same time your first hearing is set for. This will help judge the traffic and time it takes to get there and get parked during your hearing. Make it a trial run. If you can’t go during the week, then at least go on the weekend to make sure you know where to go and what streets may be one-way.
Figure out where the parking lots or garages are. These are usually the best places to park. You pay a set fee and don’t have to keep worrying about your meter. Just because you’re set for a 9 am hearing DOES NOT mean your case will be heard then. In some courts, many cases are set at that same time and the judge works through them one by one. You may be there several hours. You may be there all day. Also be aware that in some downtown courts, the meters may expire within one or two hours AND you are not allowed to leave your vehicle there longer than that. You in fact have to move the car within that time frame or risk a ticket. If you’re in the middle of your own hearing, the judge is not going to stop and back up his or her docket just so you can do something with your car. All in all, you really may want to think about the parking lots and garages.
Whoever has change for these things when you need it?
Give yourself extra time to get parked because invariably you’ll get someone in front of you who goes slow enough around the garage that they appear to be backing up. This especially happens when you’re late and in a hurry.
Give yourself plenty of time to walk to the courthouse from where you park.
Make sure you know where your attorney wants to meet you. You may be instructed to meet them in the courtroom or possibly even on a different floor.
Also, consider the fact that because the first number of a court starts with 2, does not mean it’s on the 2nd floor. So, it’s important you know where within the courthouse it is so you’re not stumbling around looking for it and end up being late after all your planning and preparation. How bad would it be for the other party to tell the judge how you’re always late for everything (i.e. getting your child to school/activities, child support payments, exchanges) only to have you show up late in court? Kind of hard to deny something the judge has seen for him or herself.
Now, the MOST important thing about all this information you’ve gathered? DO NOT LEAVE THIS WHERE YOUR CHILD CAN FIND IT. If you’ve basically been lax about leaving things around for your children to read and the court finds out about it; well, let’s just say, it won’t be pretty.
These are just a few tips for preparing your way for court. Ultimately follow your attorney’s advice.
Be prepared to try to settle your case. Most people do end up settling/mediating. In most cases, this is most definitely better for the children than a protracted court battle. And it’s less stressful in the long run on you, the parents.
*NOTE: Here’s my typical disclaimer for these posts–I am not an attorney. These opinions are mine alone and are based on my years of experience working within the family court system. They are not meant as legal advice nor as representative of anyone else’s opinion. If you need legal advice (and I believe if you’re involved in child custody litigation, you really do), please consult with an attorney.
I’m back. Did you miss me? Thank you for being so patient with my absenteeism from the blog the last two or three weeks.
My dad had knee replacement surgery and my mom doesn’t really drive anymore. Don’t ask me why. That one I can’t answer. So, I went to stay with them for six days as they live two and half hours from me and mom needed a way back and forth to the hospital (which is 45 minutes each way from their house). They live in a very small town in the country. No internet service at the house. And only sporadically at the hospital. Just enough to be able to keep on top of email really.
How’s my dad? Thanks for asking! He’s doing pretty well. Home health comes out to the house for a nurse to check on him and a physical therapist does his PT. I really hope this helps him to have less pain. He’s suffered for years with his knee.
I got back home over the weekend, just in time for my own surgery on that Monday. It was an outpatient surgery. I got there at 6am and was home by 1pm. Not bad. Surgery went well. My sister stayed at my house with me the first few days. Don’t know what I’d do without her. Thank you sis!
That first day I was in bed mostly. The next two days I was gradually getting better. Then Thursday hit with a sonic boom. I could have cried all day, I felt so badly. Only reason I didn’t was because I would have been in pain, feeling horrible AND stopped up from all the nasal …well, I”m sure you get it. I guess that was the full third day after surgery so it was normal I felt so rotten.
It’s been an adjustment. I have good days and bad days. And days I just have no freakin’ energy. But I’ve started to get my life back a little. At least I feel up to writing again. Lucky you! LOL Just kidding. It’s really lucky me! Writing keeps me sane. Well, as sane as I’ll probably ever be anyway.
So, am I ever going to get to the main point of this post which is supposed to be about co-parenting? Ummm…yeah.
You see, I had a lot of time to think while I was at the hospital with my parents and then recovering from my own surgery. I’m so thankful we have a family that loves and cares for each other and helps each other out.
Unfortunately, when parents divorce, this isn’t always the case for the children involved. So, I think it’s about time that those children be set free. And how fitting to discuss it while celebrating independence and freedom in our country.
I, of course, do not mean you should set the kids free to run amok; but, they should be set free from the negativity between two feuding parents.
While I was reflecting on my blessings, I also thought about all those cases (not one or two, but MANY) over the years in which parents so hated each other, that the kids were forced to endure revolting behavior from one or both of their gene donors. And those past cases (which translate to living, breathing kids for me) basically ticked me off.
Now those of you who have learned to put aside your differences and think of your children first, probably can’t imagine not telling the other parent when their child is in the hospital because of illness or an accident. Or, not letting your child visit the other parent who may be in the hospital.
But I’ve seen these nasty deeds committed by several parents over the years. If your child is sick or hurt, they’re probably scared. They probably need comfort from not just mommy but daddy, too (and vice versa). They need to know both parents (and relatives from both sides of the gene pool) love them and care about them.
What’s even worse is those parents who don’t tell the other parent and then imply or outright tell the child, that the other person didn’t care enough about them to show up. How much of a sociopath do you have to be to do that? I truly believe there is a special place in Hell for parents who do things like this to their kids.
When their parent is in the hospital, the child is going to be scared and worried. They have every right to be taken to the hospital to see their mother or father. If nothing else this would set aside any unwarranted fears. (I’m not going to talk about worst case scenarios here as that could be a minefield to tread through at this point plus I personally don‘t want to think about it right now.)
Just as bad as not telling the other parent about their child being hospitalized is for the parents and/or extended family members/significant others to get into arguments, physical assaults and generally cause a hellacious scene at the hospital. (Yep, I’ve been involved with people who have done this and been thrown out of the hospital and/or arrested all in front of their poor sick kids.) Real mature folks. Let’s leave the fireworks for celebrations.
This is a critical time for your child. He or she needs your combined love and support as much as, if not more than, any time in their lives. So tell the other parent IMMEDIATELY if your child should have a problem that lands them in the hospital. And for heaven’s sake, act like two mature adults who care more for their child than they do about getting back at the other parent. Don’t make rude or snide comments. Don’t place blame. You don’t have to like each other. But you do have to support each other as parents.
If the hospitalized child has a sibling, work out who that child will stay with in a reasonable and civil manner. Boo hoo if it’s not that parent’s access period. If the other parent lives close enough, he or she needs to step up, offer to take the other child(ren) to make certain their needs — education, activities, etc. are met and that they don’t feel abandoned. And the other parent should agree graciously.
Now I want to make one thing clear for this post. My opinions have been based on assuming both parents are able to have unsupervised access with the child. Even if the parent is ordered no unsupervised access, most likely he or she still has a right to know about medical emergencies. If you’re in doubt because of specific orders in your case, then contact your attorney at the very first opportunity to get legal advice. That’s what you pay them for.
Some of you probably think that this really couldn’t have happened a lot. But based on 20 years of working with families, I can say that unfortunately that these scenarios have played out numerous times.
So I’m asking that while thinking about our country’s independence and freedom(s), please think about liberating your children. Let them grow up in both your homes knowing they can count on each of you to love them enough to respect each other.
Happy July 4th everyone! And, here’s to all of you awesome co-parenting parents out there! You’ve given your children a true gift.
*NOTE: Here’s my typical disclaimer for these posts–I am not an attorney. These opinions are mine alone and are based on my years of experience working within the family court system. They are not meant as legal advice nor as representative of anyone else’s opinion. If you need legal advice (and I believe if you’re involved in child custody litigation, you really do), please consult with an attorney.
Basically co-parenting boils down to “cooperative parenting” or parenting together. It is a firmly held belief with professionals that children fare better when parents can minimize any trauma during and after their divorce and can communicate, cooperate, and compromise with consistency.
I realize not everyone ends their relationship amicably. It would be great for them and their children if that were possible, but unfortunately, it isn’t always. Co-parenting is even more difficult when a marriage ends with hostility. However, it is extremely important for your children that any animosity be put aside. You have to put your children’s needs and best interests ahead of your own hurt feelings, anger and bitterness.
How do you do this? Respect. You may not like the other parent very much at this time and may even be imagining all sorts of dastardly endings for him or her (hey…no one said you can’t imagine, just don’t do!), but this person is still a parent to your child. And your child loves them every bit as much as they love you. Right? Of course they do.
Because of that fact alone, you each deserve respect from the other. You each owe the other respect as the other half of a parenting team. If you can remember this is about your children and not what he or she did or didn’t do during your relationship, you will triumph. And most importantly your children will suffer the least amount of emotional harm.
Here are some ways to show your ex some respect and minimize stress in co-parenting:
Provide the other parent with any important information about your child: doctor appointments, medical issues, medications, school issues, report cards, emotional issues, etc.
Give the other parent enough time to make arrangements to attend appointments or events: doctor, parent-teacher, school programs, sports, dance or other extracurricular activities.
Make them a part of any major decisions. Give them all pertinent information. Get their input. Try to come up with a solution that you both can live with and that is best for your child.
Be flexible. Allow the other parent to have time not designated in the court order for special events. Switch access periods when asked if it won’t interfere with something you have planned. Allow for the unexpected or the special times. Remember: it’s not about you. It’s about your children.
When calling or emailing, focus on your child. Do not bring up past events. They are in the past and need to stay there. Rehashing them will do nothing but cause friction and more problems.
When at appointments or events, speak politely with your ex and any person(s) with them. Do not ignore them. Do not instruct your child to ignore them. In short, be respectful.
I know in some cases this will be very difficult. But I truly believe the more you practice this, the easier it will become for both parties. You may even find that you’re imagining less pain-filled scenarios.
For those of you that have been through this, what ways have you found to cope? What are some of your co-parenting suggestions? Do you find that by showing respect, you’re respected more in return?
*NOTE: Here’s my typical disclaimer for these posts–I am not an attorney. These opinions are mine alone and are based on my years of experience working within the family court system. They are not meant as legal advice nor as representative of anyone else’s opinion. If you need legal advice (and I believe if you’re involved in child custody litigation, you really do), please consult with an attorney.
A friend reported over-hearing a conversation between a mother and child recently. The mother was telling the child to tell her father things that basically the mother should have been discussing with him. And the child was telling the mom how the father wouldn’t listen to her as “that’s not what’s in the court papers”.
I’d like to be able to say this hardly ever happens. But I can’t. During the past 20 years, I’ve often heard similar conversations myself or more tragically — children’s versions of these conversations.
This is probably the second “wish” kids have who have parents involved in custody litigation. When I asked kids what they would wish for if they could have anything they want, the number one answer: I wish my mom and dad would stop fighting. The second: I wish my parents would stop telling me to tell the other one stuff. Why can’t they talk to each other? (NOTE: Kids who were not involved in the fighting between the parents — well, they would wish for toys, animals, etc. Normal kid stuff.)
I don’t care if you can’t stand the sight of your ex (or soon to be ex) you should NEVER put your child in the middle by asking them to do YOUR job as a parent. I imagine this makes them feel like they are in a big swirling vortex of water with no way to escape the rocks.
Image by shandchem on flickr
Here’s how a typical dialogue goes:
Parent #1: Tell your mom(dad) I’m picking you up next Friday at noon for our trip to (pick a state) and we won’t be back until Monday sometime.
Child: Mom (Dad) already said I couldn’t go on the trip because it’s not your weekend.
Parent #1: I don’t care what she (he) said. We’re going and you’re going with us. Just tell her (him) to have you ready.
Child: Dad (Mom) said to tell you…
Parent #2: You tell your Dad (Mom) if he/she has something to tell me, he/she can call me him(her)self.
Child: Please. Just listen. He (She) is going to pick me up at noon on Friday…
Parent #2: Oh no he’s (she’s) not! I’ve already told you to tell him (her) that’s not his (her) weekend. The court papers say it’s my weekend and …
You get the idea. Now what are the problems with this scenario?
1. The child is completely caught in the crossfire between the parents. There are no good options for him and both parents end up getting angry — or at least appearing angry — at the kid, taking their frustrations out on him.
2. The parents are each behaving in a negative manner toward the other with the child a center-piece to their animosity.
3. The child should never have even known about the trip/plans or whatever event prior to the parents discussing it and agreeing on the child’s involvement if not that first parent’s access period. This only leads to disappointment for the child if he can’t go. Maybe the other parent already has something planned because it was his/her weekend and it really is not convenient. Or, maybe they’re just being a first-class you know what. But, the child shouldn’t be involved in this.
If you think you’ll make the other parent look bad and gain credits in your column, you’re making a HUGE mistake. Do this often enough and the child will see through the manipulation and end up despising that behavior in you because of the misery it causes. Besides that…why should either of you have a column? Why keep score? If you want to measure something, why not measure how much happier your child is when not involved in your parental conflict?
4. Did you see the irony in the above situation? Parent #2 is telling the child if the other parent has something to say he or she should talk to them directly. However, in the same breath, they’re telling the child to pass along this message to the other parent. Again — a no win situation for the child.
Image by Darrell J Rohl on flickr
5. The child should know you each love him. You each want to spend time with him. He should not need to know there are “court papers” that have to tell you how to do so. Most orders will say something similar to: “In the event the parents are unable to mutually agree, then…” Usually parents are allowed to change periods of access if they “mutually” agree. You probably (check yours) don’t have to be stuck with what is outlined in your court order. If you throw “that’s not what’s in the court papers” in your child’s face all the time, what will they think about you when they find out — and they will — that you had options all along?
6. You are the PARENTS! If something needs to be discussed, it should be discussed between the two of you. Not through the child. That is one of your parental jobs: communicating with each other. Even if you don’t like them. Even if they’re the biggest a-hole on the planet.
I know some of you will say that you just can’t talk to the other person. Or, they’ll be belligerent with you. Or, whatever excuse you have. Seriously. I don’t care. Nor, in most cases, do the family courts. And if you’re doing this to your child, it will not bode well for you during any custody litigation. What the courts and caseworkers look for is what is in the best interests of the child. Using them as your messenger is not.
If you don’t like conversing with the other parent about certain topics or you know it’s going to cause a ruckus…why on earth would you delegate that to your child knowing how the other will respond? As a good parent, you should want to protect your child from scenes like that. Right? As a good parent, you don’t put your comfort before your child’s. Right? If you’re making them the go-between, YOU ARE NOT BEING A GOOD PARENT, even though you may excel in other areas of parenting. If you want to score something, this will give you an “F”, a HUGE FAIL, in parental conduct.
You must find a way to communicate effectively with each other without a lot of arguing, name-calling and other forms of belittling. I’ll be discussing some ways to do this in future blog posts.
Before I end this post though, I want to point out that there are some (very few) legitimate exceptions to one-on-one parental communicating. If you have a protective order prohibiting you from communication, then don’t. If there was domestic violence (best to be able to prove this though) in the past and the possibility of future violence, then you need to protect yourself — without question.
However, you will need to find alternative means of communicating with the ex. For instance, you can go through your attorney. But, unless you have substantial resources this can get costly. You may want to have your attorneys come up with someone who can communicate on your behalf with the other person or with their proxy. This person(s) should be someone who is not easily angered and can be respectful to the other party. Their job is not to make decisions for you, but to be a stand-in for you in passing along information between you and the other parent.
Grandparents sometimes make good alternates. Sometimes not. It depends on whether they can control any negative feelings they may have and put them aside during the transfer of information.
I’ve seen current spouses or significant others of each parent work well together or with the ex. However, these are few and far between.
You can choose a friend, pastor, family member, etc. But, whoever you (and possibly your ex) choose, needs to be an adult, act like an adult and eliminate problems rather than contribute to them.
Please share your thoughts in the comment section on this subject. What ways have you found to commune with an ex that has lessened the animosity and did not include using your children? Have your children been placed in the middle like this by your ex? How did it affect them?
Please be respectful in your posts. This is not an opportunity to air grievances. It is an opportunity to help others learn from previous mistakes so maybe their children won’t have to be shanghaied into a parental tug of war.
I wish you all easy and trouble-free communications with your ex and much less stress on your kids.
*NOTE: Here’s my typical disclaimer for these posts–I am not an attorney. These opinions are mine alone and are based on my years of experience working within the family court system. They are not meant as legal advice nor as representative of anyone else’s opinion. If you need legal advice (and I believe if you’re involved in child custody litigation, you really do), please consult with an attorney.
Facebook, twitter, and myspace can all be fun and entertaining. They have their uses. They’re great tools for building a business platform. Facebook is an excellent way to stay in touch or even get back in touch with family and friends. Interesting people and topics can be found on these sites.
However, you should be careful what you post because it can come back and bite you in the… umm…nether region.
I wrote an article about this last year, but because of something that came to my attention within the past week, I thought it was time to revisit the topic, especially for those young people (and maybe not so young) who like to party and upload pics to share with their friends.
Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to squash all your fun. But, if you’re a parent and posting pictures of yourself in a drunken stupor or high (although I don’t recommend either…pics or not) and hanging all over different people, I can almost promise you these will become evidence one day in court.
Also, if you do something that you think is just “so totally cute” with your child that could look potentially dangerous or have side effects that could be dangerous and take a picture of it to upload, well guess what? You’re setting yourself up for problems.
Don't bare all on social media
Someone who doesn’t know you, could see those pictures and think you’re not a fit parent and call Child Protective Services. Once CPS is involved, you have a whole other world of problems.
Or, if you and the other parent are separated, going through custody litigation/divorce or even if other family members are not exactly your biggest fan, these pictures could be used to cause you problems in court. And, just because you and the other parent are together now, doesn’t mean you always will be. These pictures can become fodder for any future custodial war.
Even if you have your facebook settings so only “friends” can view your photos and comments, that doesn’t mean someone isn’t going to show them to your ex. Attorneys are becoming increasingly savvy when it comes to social networks and are subpoenaing records for these sites. So nothing is really safe from anyone these days.
Let’s say for instance you place your toddler in the refrigerator for a picture because you’re convinced this is just so darn cute! Some may consider this a poor parenting decision.
Why? 1) The child is now toddling, getting into things and mommy (or daddy) put him in there so surely it’s okay to play in there. Right? 2) So, what’s to stop the child from climbing on in? 3) What happens if the door closes and he can’t get out?
So, maybe you think too much is being made of just a picture. Fine. But, have you ever seen a child who’s been suffocated in an old refrigerator? Believe me. You don’t want to.
And, those who may get involved with your family because of pictures or comments you post online or because of custody litigation, (such as CPS caseworkers or Family Court investigators) are people who are going to think about the long term consequences and whether the decisions you make are good ones or ones that could cause potential harm to your child.
Who do you think looks like a better parent? The one who has pictures of their child in fun/safe non-controversial outings or the parent who is always going out on the edge just to get a laugh from their friends? The parent who posts pictures of family get togethers and child friendly activities or the one who posts drunken party pictures?
I don’t necessarily think that pictures tell the whole story. However, if you’re the one posting the disreputable pictures and comments, you’re starting with a deficit in court. And, it’s hard to overcome something that is there for all to see with their own eyes.
You can try, but it’s hard to deny you drink to excess or make poor decisions if there’s photographic or written documentary evidence to the contrary.
Be careful and think before you post. Once something is out in cyber land, it’s pretty much out there for all time. Just use logic and common sense about what you share on the social networks and you’ll be fine.
Many times over the years, people would bring in copies of emails (or phone records, etc.) from their ex or soon to be ex as part of their interview for their social study. Their hope was that the information in the emails or other documents would make the other person look bad.
They never seemed to think that what they were doing –spying — was wrong. They always had an excuse for what they did. However, it doesn’t matter. The fact that they violated the privacy of the other person was inappropriate and made them seem controlling.
Not only is this type of activity unethical, it is also illegal. Just recently, an Austin man was arrested and charged with unlawful interception of electronic communication which is a felony. If convicted he faces up to 20 years in prison and a $10,000 fine.
Following your ex (stalking) is also a crime. No matter your reasoning, these things should not be done. It’s really not worth you going to prison for.
Even if you think you’re protecting your child by your activities, if you get caught, who will protect your child then if she needs it?
It’s been my experience that those who participate in these type of behaviors are usually very controlling individuals and more interested in causing problems for their ex or keeping tabs on them for their own reasons rather than anything to do with their children.
My advice: Just don’t do it.
How about you? Do you have any thoughts on the subject?
*NOTE: Here’s my typical disclaimer for these posts–These opinions are mine alone and are based on my years of experience. They are not meant as legal advice nor as representative of anyone else’s opinion. If you need legal advice (and I believe if you’re involved in child custody litigation, you really do), please consult with an attorney.
When people talk about drug abuse, they typically mean illegal drugs. Heroin, cocaine, marijuana, and methamphetamines usually come to mind. And, yes, if you are using any of these, you need to get help as soon as possible. I’ll talk about this form of addiction later on.
But, what about those drugs you obtain with a prescription? Pain pills, muscle relaxers, etc. can be a real problem as well. I’ve seen people who wouldn’t dream of using an illegal substance become so addicted to a prescription drug that they do things I’m sure if they were thinking straight, they’d never consider.
Do you go to more than one doctor to get pain pills, etc without letting each of them know about the other? Do you go to different pharmacies? Do you routinely take more than the recommended dosage? Do you find another doctor when one starts talking about weaning you off your medication? Do you sometimes go to the ER for pain because you know your own doctor won’t give you a prescription?
If you answered yes to any of those, you probably have a problem. One that is every bit as dangerous as one involving illegal substances.
I recently had a chat with someone who works as an investigator for a big city medical examiner’s office. He said that he’s seen more deaths from prescription abuse in the last year than from illegal drugs. I don’t doubt that at all.
When I worked as an investigator for family court services, there were cases where ordinarily law abiding citizens had been arrested for forging prescriptions. Or, they’d been arrested for having medication on their persons for which they had no prescription. Sometimes these illegal gotten drugs from the street weren’t quality drugs and someone ended up in the hospital.
Those who abuse prescribed medications have every bit of the same type of problems as those using illegal substances. And, as for parenting, it limits your ability in that regard as well.
If you’re high or zoned out, sleeping all day, you’re not doing the things that you need to do to take care of your child. You may be giving them the bare minimum, but that’s not all they need. And, if they’re very young, you’re putting them at risk.
For those of you involved in custody litigation, you’re just as prone to losing custody or having supervised visitation as someone using an illegal substance. You can be subject to drug testing and prescription drugs can and will be tested for. Just having a prescription won’t get you off the hook, either. The lab can test the levels of the drug in your system and usually determine if you’re taking more than you should be.
So, what should you do if you realize you have a problem? Talk with your doctor. If you really are dealing with a chronic issue such as pain, your doctor can help you find a specialist in pain management.
You may also need to seek the help of a mental health professional. Or, if bad enough, you may even need professional detox in the hospital. But, you need to get help as soon as possible. Not only for yourself, but for your kids.
I’m not minimizing any conditions you may have with pain. I certainly understand what it’s like to live with chronic pain. I’ve done so for nearly 19 years. The last year has been especially difficult.
I’m lucky, I guess. I hate the way pain pills make me feel. I can’t even imagine liking them enough to become addicted, but I know not everyone has the same reaction.
Plus, I’ve seen what over use can do to people first hand in my work. So, I have an added incentive not to use them. I rarely do. I have to find other ways to deal with the pain. Which isn’t easy. And, I don’t expect whatever way you find to deal with it will be easy either.
What about you? Do you think prescription drug abuse is as serious as illegal substance abuse? Do you think it affects children in the home? Do you have tips on how you manage chronic pain?
*NOTE: Here’s my typical disclaimer for these posts–These opinions are mine alone and are based on my years of experience. They are not meant as legal advice nor as representative of anyone else’s opinion. If you need legal advice (and I believe if you’re involved in child custody litigation, you really do), please consult with an attorney.
He’s doing pretty well. Home health comes out to the house for a nurse to check on him and a physical therapist does his PT. I really hope this helps him to have less pain. He’s suffered for years with his knee.
